I am an anxious person. I have realized this in the past few years, but it reached it's peak while I was pregnant. The first trimester was the longest few months I have ever endured, made worse by the fact I found out I was pregnant BEFORE I had even missed my period (meaning I was 3 weeks pregnant!) and having to live through the worst morning (all day) sickness on earth. As we enter 2009, I find myself lying awake at night worrying about a few key issues. Kenz, your antifungal creme for worrywarts? I need extra strength...
1.) Emersyn going to daycare. I'm heart sick over the fact that my sweet baby girl will be spending the majority of her days with someone other than me. She has been my little shadow since her birth. She KNOWS me. She smiles & coos at me. She stops crying (most of the time) when I hold her. I'm afraid that she will get hurt at day care. I'm afraid that I'm going to miss her first laugh, or all those other milestones. I'm afraid she's going to be simply miserable & the day care workers will hate her & curse the day she was born. I've already had anxiety dreams about daycare: in my dream, I was at work & realized it was 5:45 pm and hadn't gone to pick her up yet. Somehow I doubt that will happen since I will probably be counting down the hours until my work day is done... Don't get me wrong, I love, love, LOVE my co-workers & I am looking forward to being at work again. But it will be different: I'm a mama now. I don't know how that will affect me at my job.
2.) Emersyn will not take a bottle. While I was pregnant and planning to breast feed, I was bombarded by warnings of pacifiers and bottles causing "NIPPLE CONFUSION." I feared the day when she would reject the boob for the fake version. Well, that fear has back fired on me--the kid will not drink from a bottle! Ok, so she's less hysterical than she would get when she first tried it. She's actually mind-screwing us: she smiles & will bat her eyes & roll the bottle nipple around in her mouth, but will not suck. So the next question is, how will she eat while she is at daycare?
3.) I am 10 pounds overweight, I have a huge scar across my abdomen & my boobs don't look like my boobs anymore. Ok, so some of you might want to kill me for even worrying about this. But my pants are running a little tight. When I sit down, I have a spare tire that rolls over the top of my jeans. That c-section scar, still pissed that I couldn't have my baby the usual way. My boobs are bigger than normal, which is nice. But my husband won't touch them with a 10-foot pole for several reasons: they're veiny, they have red stretch marks all over them & he's afraid he'll get showered with breast milk. (Yes, I know that sounds gross, but that is his fear...) I'm always hungry from having to generate breast milk, so limiting my calories seems like cruel & unusual punishment. I have NO motivation to exercise. I used to love to jog, but that isn't an option right now since there are snow drifts everywhere. Besides, it is way too cold to take Emersyn outside to jog with me. I know, excuses, excuses.
4.) What about baby #2? Am I crazy for worrying about this with a 2-month old sleeping in the next room? Probably. But when the hubs says adamently that he doesn't want any more children, I start to panic. When we first got married, I said I wanted 3 or 4 kids. After actually being pregnant, I've whittled it down to 2. I do not want Emersyn to be an only child. I want to have a little boy. My husband's concerns: we would either have another girl OR we would end up having twins (they run in both families). Granted, the idea of having to deal with pregnancy childbirth & a crying newborn after having just gone through it all sounds awful. But I'm sure when Em is 2 or 3, I'll be ready.
There are several other issues that worry me constantly: my husband's mystery symptoms that might lead to Hodgkin's disease, my brother relapsing, my father's chronic pain, my mother's diabetes, SIDS, yada, yada, yada... Luckily all of those worries are currently taking a back seat to the previous 4. Are you jealous? Do you wish you were me, the constant, chronic worrier? HELLO? I am a Maine-iac!!
Aw Brooke - just realize that your hormones are still out of whack and that some of your worrying is just a result of that. They're all justified, though.
ReplyDeleteEm at daycare? She'll be fine. Sure, you might miss her first...something or other...but when YOU see it for the first time, that'll be all that matters. Know what? Ask the daycare staff NOT to let you know if she's reached a milestone like that. That way, when she does it for the first time in front of you, for all you know it's her first first time. Also, being at daycare will help Em learn to socialize a lot quicker than babies who stay at home. I love being a stay at home mom, but Nat is so anti-social and so shy and awkward around other kids, and I know it's because he doesn't have that exposure to other kids. Sure, he's great around adults, but it worries me a little to think about him going off to school in a few years and being the shy and quiet kid. It'll take some adjustment time for you, but she'll be fine. She'll be SO happy to see you at the end of the day, and your time together will be even more special.
As for the bottle, well, she'll have to learn because she'll get hungry otherwise. Nat was strictly nursed until my supply dried up, and the transition to the bottle was a little awkward, but he took to it. Which bottles do you use? He ended up liking the Dr. Brown's wide bottles first - guess its nipple felt the most familiar.
As for a post-c-section body....well, it isn't pretty. The scar will fade - by the time I got pregnant with Savannah, I could feel my scar from Nat but couldn't see it. The spare tire? Well...I'm still waiting for mine to disappear. After Nat I had to wear maternity pants for a while because it was so uncomfortable to wear a zipper over the incision, but this time around after Savannah was different. I've been told the spare tire may not go all the way away, and that it would likely take a dedicated trainer at a gym to help me get rid of it. Your jeans might never fit the same again, but once you get back to jogging and after you're done nursing things will start to go down a bit. Takes patience! My OB told me that it takes as long to lose it as it did to gain it.
Baby #2 - give him time. He may or may not come around. Wait until the sleepless nights are long past and his mind may be thinking a bit differently. Having 2 so close is tough. I love my kids to death, but had I known having 2 under 2 was going to be so tough I wouldn't have done it. Being miserably pregnant while taking care of a 1 year old is not fun!!
I'll keep Dave in my prayers, as well as your other family members. SIDS worrying never really goes away, but you're not crazy for worrying. You're a loving mama, and Em realizes that already. You're doing a great job!